Not to Sound Witchy, but a Modern Hocus Pocus Is a Recipe For Disaster

Hocus Pocus has become solidified as a cult classic as millennials grow into adulthood, have kids, and share the joy of their childhood favorite Halloween film with their young ones. The nostalgic element of the movie is a huge portion of its appeal; we cannot overstate the importance of Thackery Binx's curtain-bangs.

While Disney Channel Original movies have a certain innate campiness to them, there's something irreplaceable about genuine retro greatness. It's why Hocus Pocus has grown more popular the farther we get from 1993 — it gains more nostalgic charm with every passing year.

I fully believe that making a big deal out of virginity is a harmful social construct, but there's no denying that it's central to the plot of Hocus Pocus. The idea of an 8-year-old teasing her big brother about his lack of a sex life in a 2018 Disney Channel movie is laughable — so how will they pull of the whole "virgin lighting the candle" storyline in the remake? Without the freedom to poke fun at Max for the virginity that he tries to hide with machismo, the entire story breaks down . . . and there's no way that Disney's child-friendly ratings system will allow for that nowadays.

Along the same lines as the virgin jokes, many of the best parts of the original Hocus Pocus would be lost trying to make it family-friendly for today's Disney Channel audience. Whether it's the grouchy wife who gets pissed about her husband (dressed as Satan) being too friendly with the Sanderson sisters or Winifred's assertion that she's been to hell, thank you very much, and "found it quite lovely," it's just hard to imagine some of the same references flying in a 2018 remake.

Many plot points in Hocus Pocus break down when modern technology is considered — if Max, Dani, and Allison had smart phones that they could google the history of Salem with, they wouldn't really need to explore an old museum or flip through ancient spell books. If they'd had their iPhone flashlights, Max wouldn't have needed to grab one of the (conveniently available) lighters that he eventually uses to light the Black Flame Candle. It becomes harder to justify their actions throughout the movie with 2018 conveniences — it was just a different, more-convenient-for-movie-plots time in 1993.

The idea of parents today letting their 8-year-old daughter roam free with her angsty teen brother on Halloween night — without so much as a check-in phone call — is a lot less believable than it was in 1993. There's a reason parents in modern Disney Channel shows are such prominent characters . . . with today's views on parenting, kids simply spend less time alone at young ages.

This almost goes without saying, but remaking Hocus Pocus without Bette Midler as Winifred Sanderson is an insult to fans everywhere — especially considering that Midler herself was up for shooting a sequel! The chemistry between the Sanderson sisters, the kids, and the entire cast of the original film is hard to beat. So if it ain't broke, don't fix it!